The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
