I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
