Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
