Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
