I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Just invented taco cereal.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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