the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
