you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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