Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
