I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
