Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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