My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
