The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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