The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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