im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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