I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
