Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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