If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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