No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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