my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I know her cup size but not her name....
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