he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
