I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
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Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
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You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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