After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
