also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
