BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
