Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
