: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
