So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
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