It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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