I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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