and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
