Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
