I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
