So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
