Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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