when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
