I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
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I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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