Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
