Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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