You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Randomize
