so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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