Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
