I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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