i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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