Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Can you bring me the toilet please
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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