i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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