like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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