forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
No...this little piggys going to the bar
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
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