My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
