I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
