I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
