Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
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