I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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