a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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