I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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