Your dad touched me again.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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