i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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