I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
