Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
