how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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