yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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