So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
