this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
She just used a chaser for red wine.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
