"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia