I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
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I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
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What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups