I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?