dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.