Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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