the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
